don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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