just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ladies don't puke and tell
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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