She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize