btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
