He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize