like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
