and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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