I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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