Who wears a wallet chain?!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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