she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How naked do you want me to be?
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