We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
