He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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