i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize