Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
