I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
