guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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