You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
