my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
