Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
