I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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