I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
