Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Never underestimate the power of titties
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize