I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
