no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
