i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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