Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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