does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
