Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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