btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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