We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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