all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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