That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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