Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
