If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize