Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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