I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
