im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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