Where is the hickey?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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