Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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