Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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