my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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