Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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