i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
