So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
