when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
