Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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