I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
