considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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