Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
