she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize