Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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