walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
