Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize