So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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