All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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