I'm going to jail i love you
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
