Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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