U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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