I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
