I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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