ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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