also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
