if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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