then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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