What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
